he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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