Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
