you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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