I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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