Please, let me fuck your mom
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
