whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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