Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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