he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
