you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
