New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.