I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
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You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.