She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair