Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
