had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
