The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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