addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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