so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
