im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
