I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
