A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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