so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
