i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
