Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Even my vagina gasped.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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