she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
