i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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