In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
