im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
