I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
