She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
