I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
