found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
