I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
