Kiss
Puke
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
