Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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