how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
