rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
