Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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