so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
