i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
