Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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