im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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