We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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