i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
