Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
