so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
