I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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