I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
