turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
