I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
