first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
