I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
