I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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