So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
