It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
