he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
