My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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