Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
