The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
