There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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