I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
