Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
