Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
