I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
